Monday, December 26, 2016

apologies

I have to begin by apologizing to my readers for being so erratic in my posting. I am sorry for not posting regularly.
I am still struggling with my father's death. I have realized that I am still working on grieving my Grammy who died 5 yrs ago in March. I can't get anyplace in grieving my dad when I am still trying to deal with my Grammy's death. Grieving a death can be much harder for a person with a tbi. It took nearly a year for me to stop forgetting completely that my Grammy was dead. Each time I remembered it was like I had just found out. It wasn't quite as severe with my father since I was there in the hospital with him enforcing his decisions on his health care proxy. Even though I fully support the decisions he made and my own proxy form has similar decisions on it I still have a degree of guiltI am still working through. Having to decide to turn off machines would have been worse but refusing them was hard. I was also the one who made the decision to switch him to comfort cate. It was the best decision for him but still a hard one to make. As the one who has taken cats and dog to be euthanized  on one level it feels a bit like the same decision. That day my dad's diagnoses had changed from mild emphysema, several mild strokes and Alzheimer's  to add leukemia, ling cancer and fast moving frontal lobe dementia. He could no longer speak and even his sensory nerves seemed to be failing.
He had extremely sensitive feet, touching them had always been dangerous yet that last few days he wanted fingernails dragged on them. I'd been kicked few times over the years. Having small fiber neuropathy myself it is possible he had it as well since mine is genetic.
I'm just really sad and not improving anytime soon. I will post when. I can but many days just getting out of bed uses my days energy.
Sorry.
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